Be aware you will be shaken. No matter how well you feel prepared to handle death, it is hard to deal with it when it actually happens. Death will shake the very core of your belief structure. If you are aware that this might happen, it will help you not to be so afraid when it happens.
Take care of yourself physically. If you have a health problem, you may not think to take care of yourself. If you have been under a doctor's care recently, or have a history of heart problems, stroke, high blood pressure or any other serious health problems, it is vital to contact your physician immediately. You have just experienced a traumatic shock. You may forget to take your medication or it may need to be adjusted. Let your physician know what you are going through so he or she can be of help if needed.
Remember to eat. As, I mentioned above, you might not think to eat. You will need your energy for the days ahead, yet food may have no interest for you. Be careful to eat regularly. Don't allow long periods of time to elapse without your eating, and be alert to consume things with nutritional value. Pie may be the only thing that tastes good, but when the sugar boost is gone, you will crash physically and emotionally.
Avoid mind-altering substances. If you can, avoid caffeine at this time. This will only contribute to more difficulty sleeping and increased anxiety and agitation. Perhaps try herbal tea instead. Also, avoid alcohol. Alcohol will numb the pain but create many problems later. There are many people who allow themselves to drink initially to numb the grief. It helps, so they continue. Later, they not only still have the grief with which to deal but they also have a problem with alcohol.
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Loss in concentration. Be aware that your concentration will be affected in those early days and perhaps even for months. If you must make decisions, take a trusted friend or advisor with you. A second pair of ears is always good. Things are thrown at you so quickly that later you may not even realize what you agreed to.
Don't drive unless you have no other choice. If you must drive, be very careful. In fact, if at all possible in those early days, have someone else drive you where you need to go. Since your mind will be focused on other things, it is important to keep yourself and others safe.
Talk about the person who has died. It is important as well as normal to talk about what has happened. You may find yourself telling the story over and over, but that's okay. Let yourself remember past good times and tell stories about the person who died. Talking is a vital part of the grief process. If you can, talk with others who have been through the process. However, if someone tries to push you into doing or feeling a certain way, it is important to say no. This is a time of great stress for you and not a time to allow anyone to tell you how to react. If you feel there is something you will have trouble answering, ask a family member to stand close to you to help out. I had a friend who felt that if one more person said that her husband wasn't suffering anymore, she felt she would scream. So, at the funeral her brother handled most of the comments made by people, and she was able to concentrate on receiving hugs. For her that worked well.
Allow yourself some time alone. At some point before the funeral, take at least an hour to be alone. During this time, say out loud the name of the person and that he or she is dead. Use the word, "dead"; you need to hear yourself say it. There will be emotions connected with this but don’t be afraid of them. It is important to hear yourself actually say the words. Later you may change the terminology to transitioned or whatever is comfortable for you. But right now you are coming to grips with the concept of death.
Sleep may be a problem. Try to go to sleep close to your normal bedtime. You may not feel like sleeping, but keeping your routine is critical. If you stay with your same nightly ritual, whatever that may be, normal sleep will return more easily. Avoid tranquilizing yourself with medication unless allowed by your doctor, and stay away from drugs and alcohol. It is normal to have difficulty sleeping in the beginning, and we will talk more in other articles about how to address this problem over the long run. Right now, just try to stick with a routine.
Fatigue will be a problem and, at first, you may not want to be alone. Fatigue is a very common complaint and it may last several weeks. In the initial days, you may want someone to stay with you for that reason as well as others. That person could make sure that you have a hot meal and run interference for you. However, it needs to be someone who will respect your need to talk and your need to be alone and contemplate.
Allow others to help. Whether it is your church, friends at work, synagogue, members of a lodge, the military if that is appropriate, a club or any other group outside your family, let them help, They may not know what to say but they will be willing to help with tasks.
Honor your emotions. Your emotions will feel like they are on a roller coaster. You will have many feelings. You might even feel anger. It may be anger at the world or anger at God. These are normal emotions. Also, for a long time you will be asking, "Why did this happen?" Eventually, the question will change to "How can I work through these feelings of grief?" However, for now, it is important to get through those early days. Again, there is no right or wrong way.
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"... it is not the will of your Father which is in Heaven, that one of these little ones should perish."
